yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
