I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
