Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
