I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
