Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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