he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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