I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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