Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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