how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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