The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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