Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
