The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
