Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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