You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize