The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
