Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
