new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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