You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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