we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
this hospital has no fireball
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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