I'm so fucking centered right now
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
