well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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