Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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