Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
