"it" just moved
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
