Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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