guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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