My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
