I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Sober January is a disaster.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
