I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
