no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
