I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
