i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
