Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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