Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
