I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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