You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
