and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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