It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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