it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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