oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
