Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
