I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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