Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
tell me about the eggs
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
