you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Randomize
