I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
