theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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