She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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