Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize