You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize