I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I need to sanitize my soul.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
