I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
