Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
