Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
