Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
